Mierda Del Toro…Its A Fine Art

So, I’ve been busy lately…if you haven’t noticed. On my checklist of crap thats been on my mind…This is what has been completed:

1. Thank you notes for the wedding gifts
2. Thesis
3. Getting my first plugin up in public view
4. Migrating Grease for Peace from Blogger to Word Press
5. Getting Lost Lexie’s Word Press blog structured
6. Getting Lost Lexie’s posts migrated over to my server
7. Upgrading my blog from WP 2.0.4 to 2.0.5
8. Upgrading some plugins for my blog
9. Upgrading We Got Married and All I Got Was This Blog from WP 2.0.4 to WP 2.0.5
10. Give Miss BB a little fur face trim
11. Buy Mikey his iPod Nano
12. Finish unpacking from moving in
13. Finish my 2004-2005 scrapbook
14. Finish Susan’s scrapbook
15. Switch my Medical Group to an OC Medical Group
16. Do the laundry
17. Buy new jeans…got embarassing holes in the current pair
18. Get Nails Done
19. Get Hair Cut

I feel like I accomplished a little bit. At least now, really, all I have to worry about between now and December 1st, is working on my thesis. Some of that other stuff is now off my mind.

Do you ever feel like you are being buried in task upon task? Or that having something unfinished is weighing you down to the point that you can’t focus on it? I feel like that a lot lately. Like there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get anything of substantial worth finished. It really stresses me out and makes me run from important things and procrastinate on everything. That is how I have been feeling for the past 6 months. Life has not calmed down since waaay before the wedding. I wish it would and all the stress just makes me want to quit doing everything, including getting out of bed in the morning.

If that isn’t bad enough, I’ve also had this other thing weighing on me all year long. The thing I have to have surgery for next month. It makes it worse. Everytime another procedure fails to do what it is supposed to do, it makes me lose complete and total focus on everything for about 2 weeks at the least. Its very detrimental to me. The last 2 weekends, I was so upset and not with the world that I watched MTV reality TV shows for the entire weekend. It was like I needed anything I could find to detach from my life and numb myself of what I was thinking and feeling. It was totally pissing Mikey off, because I just wasn’t all here at all. Last week, I did not cook dinner once, doesn’t happen very much. I also ate way too much frozen cookie dough than one person should consume in a week…but I didn’t eat much else.

If I could have prevented it, I would have. But the thing is, when I got what is afflicting me, no one really knew much about it. There weren’t the things they have now (just 3 years later) that could have helped me then. I hate it. I’ve let it consume me and I’m trying to stop letting it win, but it isn’t that easy.

So, I’ve start. I made a checklist of things I want to get accomplished presently. I’m not looking past December, because in the state that I’m at, the future tasks would just overwhelm me. I’ve decided to go back to Weight Watchers this week, it gives me back my control over my eating habits and makes me feel like I have control over something, when I know that I have very little control over anything. Also, eating better makes me feel better. I’ve also decided to write about what I have that is causing me to have to have surgery.

It isn’t pretty and I’ve decided that the post will be completely private. Some of you want to know what is wrong and are worried its something serious, like organ transplants or something…its not. So, I will post about it, but only my registered readers will be able to read it. I ask that if you decide to read, keep your mind out of the realm of judging. I’ve done enough of that myself about myself that I could judge myself far better than anyone could judge me. I’ve beaten myself up over it and I still do. It needs to stop right now. I need to get a grip and I am hoping it will be a theraputic exercise, something that will let me let go of the anger and emotion involved in this horrid process. I need support and I’m tired of my support group consisting of a few people who really don’t know what is going on completely, nor do some of them really care (or maybe that’s just me projecting).

You can expect to see that post up in the next couple of days.